Where to now, Lord?

“…your Father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else and he will give you everything you need” (Luke 12:30-31).
“So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today” (Matthew 6:34).

I've been putting off writing this because I have NO idea how to share what has been going on in our life this past month. I feel as though every morning I wake up there is a new twist in the story He has written for us. Here is my feeble attempt at best:

My husband and I have been feeling God's promptings to follow Him in ways that really stretch us. We were recently certified as foster parents and have been riding that emotional roller coaster for about a month now. We have also started to research more about our desire to become missionaries. We believe we have been through some of our difficult trials in the past few years so that He could better prepare us and equip us for that life. If I had responded to this email at the begining of Novemeber it would have said something like "We are loving our abundant life! We are comfortable and content, looking for new ways to serve Christ." My response now would be similar, minus the "comfortable and content". And I laugh as I write that, because comfortable and content is not exactly God's plan for his followers. So...shortly after He gave, He took away. My husband's company went under months before we were expecting it to and his entire program was laid off in early November. Our life is now back in His hands where it should have been all along. The crazy part is, my life of comfort these past 6 months in our beautiful home; church full of ministry possibilities; and close MOPS leadership team has been the most unfulfilling 6 months of my life. I can honestly say now that it is not the life I desire. I am so thankful to God for showing me that. I have now had a taste of what that kind of comfortable and abundant lifestyle would be like, and I can certainly live without those things if that's what it takes to further His Kingdom. Which is probably good, cause God is calling our family through a big change. My husband and I have spent the past 5 days in constant prayer, spending time in the Word, and reaching out to wise counsel. God has opened several doors for us in this short time! He has opened our eyes to connections in several different places and we have spent hours trying to discern what all of it means. There is a job opportunity in Texas and a mega church that could equip us for a mission in ways we can only dream, best friends offering their home in Chicago so that we could walk alongside them in their inner-city ministry (they live in the middle of a gang community where there is murder and weekly gun about being on a mission in the US!), and there is another opportunity in MN that would still require us to find a new church home, new MOPS group, new home school coop...

My husband and I have prayed daily for God to show us which plan He has made for us at this time, and still we wait. I was getting frustrated this wknd when we didn't have the answer we thought we needed by Sunday night. And then I looked at my precious miracle baby...Selah...and was reminded of the meaning of her name. "Wait, and listen".

So for now, there is enough food on the table and warm clothes to wear...the rest we will have to go without. We have miraculously survived off of about $200 for the past 3 weeks, and we still have $60 left! Thank you Jesus!  Christmas will mean something very different to the Nash family this year, and I am so grateful for that!


Heavy Heart

Today was a heavy day. I was reminded that your life can change in a moment, and when you least expect it. There is a huge part of me that just wants to keep all of this a secret. I don't know how this will change relationships, but I know it will change things. And I don't handle change very well! Well, maybe I do, but I don't enjoy change. And part of me doesn't want to make this public because I fear judgement. And reactions that will be hurtful.

But I had a few friends remind me that it's important to be transparent so that God can use our trials as tools for others to see Him at work. So I share this as a very vulnerable mom. I'm not in a very good place with this circumstance, but perhaps through sharing it, I can find some refuge.

This journey started 18 months ago when we started noticing that Tori was different. At first, we found it entertaining. She would do odd things and we would laugh it off as "another Nash moment." We were constantly telling friends and family when her behavior was unusual that she was "just being Tori." It wasn't until her 2year check-up that we were told we needed to take these red flags more seriously.

We had Tori evaluated through the school district we lived in and it was quite the eye opening experience. All of a sudden, our baby girl went from being odd, to having a medical diagnosis. Because she was under the age of 3, they were very reluctant to label her with a specific diagnosis. After months of filling out tests and home evaluations, she was given the general diagnosis of DD- Developmental Delay. They said they would continue to watch for a more specific diagnosis under the umbrella of the Autism Spectrum Disorder or Emotional Behavior Disorder as she got older. At the time, the term EBD was a better fit for what they were seeing, so we talked about getting services towork on those symptoms.

Unfortunately, by the time we had finished the eval process, it was time to move.  We all decided that it made more sense to start her therapies once we had moved into our new home in a different district. If I had only known at the time that our move would be delayed by many months...

So here we are now, almost one year later. Some of Tori's behaviors had gotten better since the move, while others had gotten much worse. We called the new district and asked for their opinion and they suggested that we have her evaluated again. So we went through the rigurous and time consuming process of evaluations again. This time, Kenny and I were confident that they would not find anything. We had convinced ourselves that we had things under control and that they would most likely say to us that she was a perfectly normal 3 year old just pushing out buttons. My heart just hurts as I write this. I was so naive.

Three people came from the district today to meet with us and discuss the results of all the testing. They sat across our kitchen table from us with stacks of paperwork. And then they told us news that will change our lives forever.

Our sweet Tori scored in the 99th percentile for EBD. She was now officially being labeled. I had to blink a few times and look around the room to make sure I was really there. I was sure this had to be a dream. The child psychologist went on to say that Tori was testing at the "clinically significant" level and would need intense therapies. They explained that they rarely make this diagnosis at such a young age because it is such a heavy label, but they were certain that this was the right choice for her. It was so hard to take in those words. I felt blindsided. Which probably sounds dumb since this was an option from the begining. But I had myself in this nice place of denial for so long.

After a few moments, I asked them what the next step should be. This is where the next part of my struggle comes in. They said Tori would qualify for 6 hours of therapy a week through the district, but it needed to be in a public preschool setting. I don't do public school! I am so passionate about homeschooling and the benefits of home education. I wanted to laugh and tell them the meeting was over, we were not interested. But something inside me said to "Wait...and listen." (The meaning of Selah, and a constant prompting from God lately!)

As I sat there trying to come up with all the reasons I was against this label and their idea for therapy, they were discussing the best placement for Tori. When they finally decided on the perfect fit for her, they shared it with us. I almost fell off my chair. My stomach flipped. And the dots connected. You see, the preschool they had chosen for her is in a private home. A few years ago, when I was pregnant with Tori, I was asked by a good friend that worked there to bring Kenzi and the dog for a few Show-N-Tells. I fell in love with this unique preschool that was run out of this cute home. I remember touring it and thinking that I would totally send my child there.

So here I am, 3 years later. And God is showing me the plan he had all along. And on Monday, our sweet girl will ride the "short bus"(It made us laugh when they tried to explain the bus without using this term!) to preschool where she will learn coping skills and social skills with her new Para and a Special Ed teacher.

And that's how our life changed today. The little girl that I thought was quirky was actually struggling with a very scary mental illness. I have to send her away to a place where she will most likely feel fear. And I have to know that she is in God's hands. Our children are not our own, but His. And His plan for her is much better than mine.

Lots of silent tears today, and a huge need to spend time with my husband to process this life change. In some way, I am mourning the loss of the child I had dreamed she would be. I know her life is still valuable and will be very fulfilling, but it will be in a very different way. They suggested we contact Children's Hospital right away and meet with a mental health specialist to determine the specifics of this illness. Most likely counseling and medication will play a big part of her life.

I struggle with how to share this with the people in our life. EBD is often an invisible disability because most of it's symptoms are internal. I have had friends tell me that they didn't think anything was wrong with Tori, which of course made me feel like they thought I was making it up. And I had a very honest friend share with me that they thought Tori was different because I didn't love her as much as our firstborn. The guilt overwhelmed me for days. So on one hand, it's nice to have a medical diagnosis. I'm not crazy. But on the other hand, well, I don't even know how to explain the pain I feel for my daughter today.

Heavy heart today. Preparing for more major changes in our life. And praying God will equip me to handle all of it.


What if I get both?

I got to have dinner with a sweet friend tonight and it was exactly what I needed after a crazy weekend! I am the Event Coordinator for MOPS Area 9 (that's MN) and we hosted our first ever Mega Event!! It started off with a crazy treasure hunt at the MOA and finished then next day with some incredible worship and wonderful speakers.  I have been preparing and planning for this event for months, and now that it is over, I feel lost! I have found in the past few years that I am an EXTREME extrovert. I need people and activity to fuel me. I loved every moment of my crazy weekend. And now I'm on to the next big adventure.

Which brings me back to dinner tonight. Dinner with a friend that gives me grace. Cause I'm not always good at being her friend. I tend to get caught up in the whirlwind of my life and forget that I need to make time for my precious friends. So tonight we shared some praises and some prayers that were on our hearts. And when I left, I felt like my eyes had been opened! You see, I had shared with her that I was struggling with tricky circumstance that is about to unfold in our home. I was looking at it as God testing me with two amazing choices...both at the same time. I felt He was asking me to choose the better one. But I have been stuck trying to figure out which one was better.

And that's when my brilliant friend said "Why do you have to choose one? I think God wants you to say yes to both."  

WHAT????? But I can't handle both at the same time.

And her equally brilliant response "You're right, you can't. But when God is calling you to it, He will equip you."

I seriously drove home as if I had put glasses on for the first time. Everything seemed so clear...and obvious. Why didn't I think of that? Just cause there are two big life changes on the horizon doesn't mean God expects me to pick one. He could just be saying "Get ready. I'm about to take you on a ride."

I don't know what to call this ride. But I am ready to buckle up and hang on. God moved in huge ways today, showing me exactly where He wanted me to go on several occasions. And I was clearly reminded that He has His grip on me. And that is the image I will have to remember in the weeks to come. Cause this isn't going to be a kiddie ride...



I laugh as I look at the title of my last post. (Yes, 3 months ago, don't remind me!) Perspective is such an incredibly powerful word. I was using it to describe the story of an experience that was going to be told by 3 different people. Two of us have some work to do!! But today, I use the word perspective in a whole new light. A brave little girl that our family adores was put to the test today as she went through an intense back surgery. So there is a dose of perspective!

I find myself looking around at the people God has placed in my life right now. I have some friendships that have gone deeper than I ever could have imagined. I also have some struggles that are more difficult than I can put words to. And I think the two go hand in hand on purpose. God has arranged my circle of friends just right so that I can be held accountable, encouraged, guided, taught, reminded, and supported as He brings us through yet another season of uncertainty!

I don't know what the next few weeks will change for our family, but I know He is preparing us for it. I can feel it. And so can my husband. The mixture of excitement and absolute confusion require us to once again let go of our earthly desires and instead turn our faces heavenward! I hope to begin to have some clarity in the next few days as I devote intentional time in the Word and join my husband in heavy prayer. But I will do so with perspective...the kind that knocks you to your feet when you realize that all things are possible when you give it to God!

Check out my friend's blog to read the story of their brave Trinity!



Yesterday I sat down to write the story of the past few days at least 5 times. I just couldn't do it. I have dealt with so much guilt throughout this pregnancy and now delivery, it has been so different than the stories of my other 3 children. Selah deserves the very best I have, and I mistakingly let the guilt sink in yesterday as I realized I wasn't posting on Facebook, I wasn't blogging, I wasn't taking pictures...

And that's another reason why God sent my sweet friend "A" into my life! I woke up this morning to the most amazing email from her, and her perspective on Selah's birth story! What an awesome sense of peace to know He will provide exactly what I need through all of this...

BIRTH STORY-Alyssa's Persepective

I witnessed a miracle. The orchestration of the birth of Selah, is nothing short of a miracle. The way God’s hand was in every single little detail is practically incomprehensible. This delivery did not go according to our earthly plans but it did go according to His master plan.

Months ago I felt this inexplainable desire to be at the delivery of my friend, Britni’s baby. I never said anything to her, because although we were good friends, we weren’t the very best intimate type of friend that you would invite to your birth. One day she told me, “I feel like you have a connection to this baby.” “Oh my word! I feel the same way!” I could hardly contain my excitement. I asked her to be at the delivery and she said, “you have to be!” Her hubby approved it and on we went with our lives.

As the due date slowly approached, I looked at my calendar and wondered how in the world I was ever going to be able to follow through with our birth-attending plan with my daycare children, husband’s busy work schedule, family in town, and my own nursing baby at home. I prayed for the timing of the birth of this baby - of course I prayed selfishly, but also for the timing for Britni as she also has a lot on her plate (she’s moving!).

Fast forward to 6.11.11. I woke up at a little after 1:00am and saw a few missed texts from Britni.

June 10, 2011 11:14 PM

“Still 5 min apart and getting bad...called midwife and she said oh is closed, they are full.”

June 10h, 2011 11:41 PM

“It’s go time!!!” And I had more beans at dinner tonight...this is gonna be bad.”

I panic, I laugh, I ask Eric if I can go to the hospital. I throw on my jeans from the day before and head out the door wondering if I may have missed it all! I pray the entire way to the hospital. The very hospital where I’ve delivered 3 precious babies.
I arrive at the hospital, get my picture taken for my security sticker and head up to the 3rd floor. Hubert buzzes me in and tells me “You DON’T want to be in there.” I ask him to please call the room because they wanted me there for the delivery. My mind is racing, “Why can’t I be in there? Did she lose the baby? Is she pushing the baby out at this very instant? Has something gone terribly wrong?...” Hubert gets permission for me to go into the room.

I enter the room. There is laughter. There is joy. Britni tells me that nurse Kelly is her dear friend and stayed late just so Brit could come to St Francis even though they were technically “full.” Wow, what a good friend. Kenny is updating the blog on his phone. Britni’s other friend, Laura, is getting ice water for Brit and making sure she’s comfy.

We laugh, we pray Britni through painful medicine-less contractions, we laugh some more, we spray industrial strength air freshener (remember the bean comment), I photograph and try to keep my view G rated.
Things start picking up a little bit. The midwife comes in and check Britni. The nurse checks Britni. The midwife checks Britni again. “What do you feel?” “What do you feel?”
Baby is not quite in the right position so the midwife and nurse get Britni out of bed, and have her do lunges with her leg up on the edge of the bed. By this time, there is no more laughing, there is much more praying and I’ve given up on my G rated view. The midwife thinks this could be it, baby might just come while Britni is standing. Britni begs for pain meds, but Theresa, the midwife, attempting to honor Brit’s original request to go with out meds encourages her to try to lunges a bit more.

Lunges don’t work. Brit gets back in bed and they check her again, nurse, midwife, nurse, midwife. “The nose is this way?” “The cheek is that way?” “I feel the cheek.” “Yes, I do too.”
Ok, let’s push. I’m not really sure if the goal was to push the baby out at this time or just to push the baby into a better position. They finally order Britni an epidural. “It’s ok Britni, an epidural is on the way. Let’s just try pushing one more time.”
“Where is the epidural?” ... “How long has it been since I ordered the epidural?”

“Where’s the midwife?”... “Can you please see where the midwife is?”

“Can you check her again?” ... “What are you feeling?”

“We need to page the doctor.” ... “We need to page the doctor again.” “We need to page Dr. Jenkins.”...
Things are unclear. I’m snapping pictures. I’m praying out loud. I’m singing “How Great is our God” to myself while I stand out of the way in the corner. Another nurse comes in. The anesthesiologist comes in. “We need to prep the OR.”
Finally the midwife gets ahold of the doctor, “Baby is face presentation, we’re prepping the OR.” My breath stops. My mind is reeling. “Face presentation.” “Prep the OR.” Britni is going to have a c-section. Brit didn’t see this coming. Britni is so calm. Wow. I’m totally surprised.

“Face presentation.” “Prep the OR.” I’ve heard those words before. It’s almost as if I’m witnessing the birth of my first born son all over again. What are the chances? Funny you ask because Wikipedia says that face presentation frequency ranges from 1/500-1/1250.
The nurses kick Laura and I out of the room. We wait at the end of the hall. We pray. We make small talk. We pray. We watch. We photograph. We wait. We pray. We wait. We pray over the recovery room. We wait. The seconds literally tick by.
A little after 3:00 am I hear the most beautiful sound. The scream of a newborn baby. We watch the doorway with anticipation and are filled with joy as the proud father walks into the room, pushing his precious baby girl in the bassinet with the hugest smile on his face. Kenny’s eyes are filled with love for his 3rd daughter but I can still see the pain and concern for his beautiful wife whom he left in the OR by herself. When Britni was rolled through those same doors she was alert, smiling the best she could and just trying to process the events of the past few moments. It was a whirlwind. It was a calculated frenzy to ensure a healthy baby. Britni was in the best of hands... and the best of Hands.
This is only the beginning of “God’s Selah Story.” This story is just one of God’s miracles. This story isn’t just one miracle, it’s a string of them. Nurse Kelly is Britni’s Godly friend. Britni and I share this unique birth experience. The birth of a healthy baby. The love of a faithful husband. The skilled hands of nurses, midwifes and surgeons. The encouragement of Christian caregivers. The outpouring of love by concerned friends.
I can see these amazing miracles (and I’m sure there are many more I can’t see) and how God orchestrated this precious event. What I’m still waiting to see, and it may not come here on earth is, “why?” I bet God has a really cool answer for that question. My own “why” questions after my “face presentation emergency c-section” experience are starting to be answered; so that I could walk alongside my dear friend 4 years later as she experienced this very same traumatic event.
This is God’s plan and we can find peace knowing that “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)


Stretched to Capacity

It's 5am. I'm sitting in a hospital bed. Everything hurts.

And I am so happy...because I am finally feeling again.

Apologies to those that have been checking in to read the story I promised many hours ago. Until this moment, I had no desire to find the words to use that would be required to tell the story of the past 48 hours.

I have been stretched by God in every way through this pregnancy. Seems silly that I thought He would be done once labor began. But He wasn't even close to done with me yet. I have been given the opportunity to grow in many ways over these past few days, and I wake up today with assurance that He will guide me through the healing and recovery I seek.

During Mackenzi's hospitalization for her spinal tumor 2 years ago, I learned that putting words to the scary experience and sharing them with others through Caring Bridge was my coping mechanism. It was a way for me to process an event I couldn't quite comprehend in the moment.

Well, I'm going to try that again. I have a lot of processing to do. But first, I need a nap! The random 7 hours of sleep I have had since giving birth is not going to be enough to get me through this post!



(This post is written by Brit's amazing friend "A")

 Selah Nash
"Be still and listen." 
Born 6.11.11
7lbs 14 oz
19.5 inches

Her name was placed on Brit's heart months ago and now as she holds this precious baby in her arms, this gift from God could not have been more perfectly named.
She is peaceful and snuggly.
She's a good nurser and a good pooper.
Selah fits perfectly in her mothers arms and nuzzles in her neck.
When mom or dad speak she strains to look at them.
She is alert and doesn't want to miss a beat.
She wears at least 3 outfits a day and already has 4 huge floral headbands.
Her dark hair is thick and fluffy.
Mom is glowing and Dad's face shows nothing but pride.
Although the delivery did not go as planned, this baby is exactly what God has planned.
Selah is healthy and strong.  Mom is on the road to recovery.  The hospital staff are empathetic, attentive and compassionate.  The room is filled with prayer, laughter, tears, farts, joy, music, pizza, friends, family, diet coke, double stuffed el fudge, cameras, a fan, gift bags, redbox movies and pink blankets.  Most of all her room is filled with love.  Their cups are overflowing.   Thank you Lord for this precious miracle.  



Has arrived! 7lbs 14 oz...that's all the details for now! Not the way we planned, Brit was rushed to an emergency c-section. It all happened so fast, I'm not really sure what to say. We can post more after talking with the staff tomorrow. For now, Brit needs to just recover from another traumatic delivery. Visitors will be welcome on Sunday!

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We are at the Hospital!

We arrived at the hospital just after midnight. Contractions have been going steady for a few hours. Her water has broken and things have started getting intense. Looks like she's  ready to go, just waiting for baby to drop. Can't wait to meet our new blessing!
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Still waiting! I can't believe I have still not met this little one. This is my 4th full term pregnancy and I never guessed it would be the longest! The other kids came 3,2, and 1 week early. The last few days have been an emotional and physical roller coaster as we have thought "THIS IS IT" at least 5 times. The contractions are intense, but inconsistent. Just more practice apparently! I was 5cm at my midwife appt. on Wednesday...the appt. she said I wouldn't make it to cause I would for sure have a baby by then. Hah! This baby has a mind of it's own already, oh boy.

The good news is, I think we have the names figured out now. I think. The girl name has been on our heart since we first learned of this surprise, and it just feels right! The boy name is a little bit tougher, but I'm pretty sure we will know once we see the baby. I can't wait to post the meanings behind the name once baby is here! Possibly later today?!?!

So more waiting for the Nash family...and more prayer that baby come before the big move in 5 days!!!

I can't believe I'm about to have a baby...


It's official!!!

Woah....posting twice in one week. This is wierd! Anyways...

It's absolutely official. We are physically ready for BABY! As in, we have the "supplies needed to support a newborn within our apartment walls."  It doesn't look like anything I imagined, but it works. There is a place for baby to sleep, there is a place to store 4, maybe 5 outfits (better be a boy!), and there is a cheap/crappy diaper organizer thingy hanging on the wall. Yep, it's our 4th child. I can't help but laugh when I think back to the room we had created for our FIRST born! My how things have changed...

Working on transparency, I must admit that I still struggle with the arrival of this baby mentally. I can not say that I am ready. I have been on my knees many times in the past few weeks asking for God to change my heart. I have moments throughout the day when I honestly forget I am pregnant, and if you could see a picture of me right now, that would probably blow your mind! I have tried so many things to connect with this SURPRISE...purposefully buying maternity clothes that say things like "Baby", making a shirt that says "Due in June" (not so much for other people, but really a reminder for myself), buying things the baby will need, researching names, setting up the room, working on a birth plan. But something is still missing. And it's a very unsettling feeling to know that. My sweet husband has even gone as far as buying me "Countdown Gifts", which he gives me each Friday when I get one week closer to the due date. It's not working, but don't tell him that! I LOVE the gifts!!

So there it is...honest and raw. I am 3cm dialated, 50% efaced. There is a baby coming at any moment. And I'm scared. Will I love this baby once I am holding it in my arms? Am I not allowing myself to connect with this blessing just because I didn't ask for it? Did the birthing experience with Graham screw me up forever? Or is God just teaching me to be patient, forcing me to rely on Him and His plan...and to trust that I will soon have an answer to all of this.

James 1:2-4 (The Message)

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.



Is there anything better than that nesting that hits you when you're pregnant?? I honestly amaze myself with what I get done during one of my "episodes." I suppose today's episode was brought on with a little pressure...I have been tortured with those ridiculously painful and annoying contractions you get the few weeks before baby arrives so your body can "practice." Um...seriously...this is my body's 5th experience with a baby, does it really need to practice again???

Oh yeah, and we're moving in 3 weeks.

So life for the Nash family is absolutely crazy these days as we wait for the little blessing God decided we needed and get ready to move once again!

God is so, so good my friends. I just can't help but smile today :)
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So our season of pruning has passed, and I now find myself knee-deep in surrender! First, an update on my last post:

Home- We are not where we hoped we'd be when we started this crazy journey of moving, but it's not in our hands and it's just the way it is. We had to move to an apartment for a while until the details of our future home can be worked out. It's completely inconvenient, expensive, and far away from our daily activities...but it works. I am learning to live off the bare necessities, so that has been kinda cool. But I really want to be in my "home".  If I had known 6 months ago when we first started this process that the plan would drastically change, I'm not sure I would have chosen this particular path. A family of 5(very soon to be 6) living in a 2 bedroom is not the easiest way to live, but I have enjoyed the closeness with my family. The most recent "Move-in Day" delay came as quite a surprise, and it now looks as though we won't be able to move in until the weekend the baby is due. My first reaction was sadness, how could we bring a brand new baby back to our tiny apartment? Where  will the baby sleep? That's not what it was supposed to look like. And then I think about Jesus...he was born in a stable!  I like to be in control, have an agenda, and have things go according to plan. Ha! Not this time...

T had a few good weeks in a row and it was so refreshing to get to know her in a different way! She was happy for the first time in months, and the EBD symptoms were much more under control. Unfortunately, it was a short phase, and we are now seeing the symptoms at their worst. She continues to be different than the other kids her age in more obvious ways every day, and her emotions spiral out of control quicker than ever before. She spends a lot of her time in a "safe place"...corners of rooms, under tables, inside tents. We were hoping to get therapies started with the new school district once we moved, but the moving delay has set us back a few months. So for now, we educate ourselves on this issue by reading books and talking to other parents in our shoes. We often talk about taking her to a Child Psychologist like we were recommended, but we are selfishly fearful of going down that path already.

K had her spinal scans and looks great!!! No signs of a returning tumor, and her vertebrae continue to regrow! Her complications are not symptoms of another tumor, but probably have more to do with her surgery. She will be seeing her urologist soon to get those issues taken care of and addressed. Hooray!

G is now our walking MONSTER!!!! He lives to eat, destroy, and bug Tori. He makes us laugh every day, I never imagined I'd have a child like this. Our soon to arrive baby doesn't stand a chance...

Homeschool- I don't even know where to begin!!! This will need to be covered in a future post. We just attended the big MACHE conference for christian homeschoolers in MN and it was life changing. Lots to share...hopefully soon! Haha

SO back to surrender...

The crown I feel called to wear right now is surrender. I hear the word in scripture, music, and through conversations with people I truly respect almost every day! I don't struggle with surrending most of my life, but I find that I am hanging on to a few things. And this surprise baby makes the top of this list.



So the other day I had a much needed "check-in" with God.  I am leading an amazing group of women through the Margaret Feinberg bible study, The Sacred Echo.  If you haven't read it, I encourage you to! She talks about listening for God's calling in your life through the echos and repetition you see and hear throughout the day. One of my echos has been this blog. I started it with great intentions, a place to post new family pics and share with friends and fmaily about the latest adventures of our crazy family. But it turned into a place of complete transparency as we dealt with a series of difficult circumstances. I found my fingers typing words that were not coming from my mind, but my soul. I would pour out my private thoughts for all the world (ok...maybe the 3 people that sometimes read this!) to read, and then wonder who on earth could have written such raw thoughts after hitting save.  After a while, and a period of intense testing by God, I allowed myself to get distracted from my blog and to put my words in other places. Well, I am writing today, completely convicted of a "Sacred Echo", and promising to return to this blog and share my faith with others. I don't always know what that means, but I trust that God will lay it out for me in the days to come.

So here I go again...


Living in the present

This past month has been another season of pruning for our family! We continue to stand amazed by what God's plan is for our family and united we attempt to navigate through the obstacles He has placed before us.

We are working on patience as we wait for our housing situation to be clear. I like to plan and I do much better when I have specific dates for major this has been difficult for me! I wonder if we will be in our new home before my next blog post?!

Our sweet daughter T was diagnosed with special needs this week, and we work on seeking wisdom as we learn about her disorder and how this changes our life. We are blessed to have many people that care about her and want the best for her, but it can be confusing to hear differing opinions on her treatment. I was reminded by a dear friend that God made her EXACTLY the way He wanted her to be, and I am just going to focus on that for awhile!

We work on trust as we continue to go through this unexpected pregnancy. We had our 20 week ultrasound this week and saw the amazing heart beat of a baby that was created for a reason. I will be honest and say that I am still unsettled about this pregnancy, but there was a split second during the ultrasound where I finally felt some compassion for this crazy plan of His! It is officially a baby, boy or girl we don't know. Since this was not our plan, we decided to stay out of it...until baby arrives and then I really don't have a choice!

Today, I work on boldness and faith as I go to our first real homeschooling event! Mackenzi is beyond excited, I am feeling a little nervous. I know I am called to walk into this crazy journey with our kids, but it's never easy to do it alone. I am anxious to meet the people that I may spend the rest of my life sharing stories and ideas with, and hopeful that it will be the perfect place for the Nash kids!

Today, we also deal with sadness. 2 years ago today, we lost a baby boy we had named Tyler. He was a wonderful blessing in our life as we journeyed through Mackenzi's tumor diagnosis, and I still struggle with why we weren't allowed to keep him forever. Pregnant again with a child we didn't plan on makes it all that more confusing.

Tomorrow we will celebrate with joy because Graham turns ONE!!! He is the happiest, chubbiest, most curious little boy and I can't imagine loving a baby more! I am exhausted just watching him sleep, he truly is an active little guy. I am amazed at how different each gift from God is created, and grateful to be given a child like Graham! Pure Joy!

And in a few days, we will work on trust some more as Mackenzi goes into the hospital for her yearly CT and MRI. It has been 2 years since doctors removed a tumor from her spine, and we continue to pray for God to heal her body and keep the tumor away. We are a little nervous because of some symptoms she is experiencing, but it could be nothing! She is a very brave little girl!!

So for now the Nash's focus on living in the present and getting through each day. God is with us now and isn't worried about the past or future, so we work on growing the fruit of the spirit and put our trust in Him every morning! Lots of answered prayers in next months post...just don't know how they will be asnwered! Kind of exciting...