I had started this post weeks ago, but didn't want to publish it because I was afraid of what people would think if they knew the truth about how I was feeling. At my MOPS convention last week, the speaker in my room shared her story of this very same feeling. Her honesty was beautiful, and it reminded me to be authentic to the process God is walking me through. Thank you, Jesus, for the confirmation that being honest about this journey can be used to glorify you! So be warned, this blog can be my place to share the whole journey our family is on, not just the joys. I believe when you are a fully committed follower, your life is going to have more challenges than most. God cares more about our character than our comfort...this side of Heaven!
Falling is a tangible feeling others can understand and the only way I know how to explain what the past few months have felt like. It's not bad or good, it just is. I suppose it mostly represents the fact then when you are falling, you have absolutely no control over that circumstance. The only thing you can control is your mind and how you will respond once you land. Some days my falling has been frantic, and I grasp for anything within reach to cling to. I ask the Lord to end this period of my life where I am required to blindly obey as he calls us through valley after valley. Marriage, finances, friendships...all have seemed to fall short of what I needed in the past few months. Most days we don't have enough money to get both gas and groceries, so we have to choose. Friends from back home aren't reaching out like I thought they would. And Kenny and I only have each other right now, which has brought some of our flaws to the surface! I struggle with contentment as I hear from church friends back home in MN, read updates on Facebook, and browse pinboards on Pinterest. Why has God called us to a life that is so drastically different than theirs?
But then there are the days when my falling is full of grace. I look at my children and see the joy in their eyes and the love they have for the Lord despite our sometimes scary circumstances. They don't complain when there isn't money for the zoo or their favorite snack in the cupboard. They offer to help pay the bills with change they find in their many bags. And they encourage us to love when Kenny and I aren't doing a good job of loving each other. That is the attitude I need to work on. And I suppose until I get that right, this falling feeling will continue. Don't you just love it when God uses our children to teach us to be like Jesus!
So there is some brutal honesty about my heart and what this journey has felt like from my perspective! And I have to wonder if the Facebook posts and Pinterest Pinboards are really an authentic reflection of other people's hearts...maybe they haven't been given the same freedom I recently stumbled upon to share how hard this walk can sometimes be!
Now for some factual information:
We rented a house! It quite literally was picked out for us by the Man in charge of this transition (no, not my husband!) That last week in the hotel was such a difficult experience that Kenny and I cried out to God and committed to renting the first home available to us whether we liked it or not. That was not an easy prayer for us, don't let me fool you! Another lesson in giving up control and letting God direct our footsteps. The next day our application was accepted on a house just a few miles from the hotel. For the third time in the past few months, I walked into a home we had signed a lease on without seeing it first. So thankful my husband is good at reading my mind about what I desire in a house! We have a kitchen that was made for our dinner table, the one piece of furniture I just couldn't part with when we moved! We have a space we converted into the Homeschool room, and I think it is currently my favorite place in the whole world! The kids are loving their castle bedroom, with a triple bunk bed hand built by their daddy! And there is even an extra bedroom...ready and waiting for you to come visit!!!
The kids are so excited for activities to start next month. Kenzi was accepted into the American Heritage Girls program, and we found two homeschool groups in our area. As members, we get to participate in the incredible field trips and special classes...and of course the Mom's Night Out to encourage the mamas!!! We are hoping to have the finances to let the girls each pick one sport, and right now the winning sport is gymnastics! I'm pretty sure the Olympics had an influence on that choice. Nastia Luikin's training gym is just a few miles from our house...maybe we have a future Olympian in the ranks??
Kenny's job has been a huge challenge for our family. He works 10 hour days 6 days a week...on black roofs in the Texas summer. I have had to find creative ways to survive the day on my own, and I have to say I have an incredible respect for single moms. This job is hard! We are looking forward to some possible career changes in the near future.
The Lord is showing us like never before how little we need to survive. I have never been so poor in my life, and I have never felt so blessed. I love the simplicity of our current season and all of the time that has been given back to me. I am in a season where my family is my ministry. Kenny and I are involved in the marriage ministry at our church and are both looking forward to getting a community group! Some accountability can be a powerful thing! I am grateful for the godly women that have reached out to me here, the patience of my children as I learn to be a better mom, and my hard working husband in a difficult field. It certainly hasn't been a pretty transition, But I have learned that the more I lean on Jesus in all of this, the more I learn of His faithfulness.
Our future is a question mark right now...but I am being trasformed into the mighty leader God desires me to be!