Day 2

Today was mostly uneventful. And that was amazing! I can’t remember the last time I had a day as relaxing as this one. Our life is mostly chaos, 4 small kids can do that quickly. I didn’t realize until today that I had gotten used to the constant crazy.

We made our way to Kansas City and got out to enjoy the area. Kenny got a peek at the National Speedway track and started Mackenzi’s new mission to be a race car driver. My dad will love that. I told her she could go to the track with daddy or Target with me totally thinking I would win, but I didn’t. It wasn’t even close. What?? A man going in circles wearing funny clothes beats Target??

We found ourselves an outdoor outlet mall with about 100 restaurants. We did some walking/people watching and had a good laugh. We were definitely not in MN anymore. We got the kids wristbands at the T-Rex playland where they got to pan for gold, explore caves, and dig up fossils. Kenzi and Graham raced from one activity to another, Tori spent the whole time cleaning every speck of sand off the fossils in the sand pit, and Selah tried to figure out what the heck you do with sand besides eat it. It was so fun to watch all of my kids explore in their own ways. I’ve already learned more about them in these 2 days than I have in the past few months. I love this precious time with them!

We made it as far as Wichita and decided to call it a day around 11pm. I’ve never been to Wichita before. And I don’t think I will be back again. Totally out of my comfort zone! We kept getting back on the highway thinking the next exit would be a nicer area, but it never changed. I honestly prayed, asking God to help us find a safe place to stay for the night. Silly prayer, but I was desperate.

We eventually found a beautiful hotel called the Drury Hotel. And they gave us the key to our room…room 316. Amen to that!

 

...and follow Me

Yep. That's right. We have finally begun the last portion of our family verse through this crisis. We sold many of our possessions (and I am sure that the friends who helped us move for the 3rd time in a year were grateful for that!), given to those around us in need, and are now ready to follow Him...to Texas!

Yes, it sounds crazy. And it totally is crazy. We get that. I've nearly talked myself out of this a dozen times. And every time God confirms his calling in my heart. It's about looking beyond what our human minds can reason and choosing to let our hearts be Christ-like instead. There are many stories in the bible of people who were asked to do things that didn't make sense to the people around them. And they were always rewarded for doing it anyways! I'm not expecting to see a burning bush or a man being lowered through the roof on his mat on this trip, but I am expecting to be challenged. And that always means growth!

The timing of this trip was far from my own. Ask my friends, I have not been the most patient woman in all of this. I was ready to go weeks ago, and boy was my plan great! We were going to travel by RV or passenger van and camp our way across the US for the month of March. And here we are, 14 days later, in our beat up mini van that is duck taped together...with unreliable air conditioning...broken locks and windows...and a silent radio. Apparently luxury was not on God's list of requirements for this trip!

We piled into the van ( yes, literally piled) and said goodbye to the dog. The sense of peace that came over the car as we drove away was priceless! It felt so wonderful to finish what we had started dreaming about months ago. 10 minutes later, Kenzi asked if we were in texas yet. Oh boy.

About 100 miles out of town we stopped at gas station for a quick stretch and a snack. Mackenzi was paying for her shake and accidentaly knocked it over on the counter. The manager was less than thrilled. While helping to clean it up, my lovely little biy found himself a nice bag of cheetos. I almost said yes until the vision of orange residue all over the car filled my mind. I was shocked when he didn't like my answer (haha) and turned to help Kenzi finish cleaning the mes. The two men behind me started laughing as Graham began to do what I will forever call the "Cheeto Dance." It was as if he was wildly swinging a towel around, you can totally picture it in your head. Funny to me cause I'm his mom and I could see how badly he wanted these messy but yummy things, not funny to the manager. I knew in one look that I would now be required to purchase the smashed cheetos whether I wanted them or not. As I was paying for the darn cheetos (which were OF COURSE the spicy kind that my son would never eat and would be going directly in the garbage) the laughter from behind grew louder. Graham had opened the bag and dumped all of the cheetos onto the floor. The manager handed me a broom.

Our first stop of many had not gone so well. This is going to be an adventure all right!

Pulling back onto the highway I caught glimpse of a deer in the distance. I was amazed by it's beauty as it ran through the field. Strong, focused, fast. It had captured my attention for some reason. Not 5 seconds later, the deer chose to change it's course and was now heading straight for our path. I screamed. Kenny slammed on the brakes. The van went off the side of the road. The deer crossed the highway only  missing the front of our vehicle by one foot going 70mph. The looks on the faces of the car behind us when they paced were enough to convince us that we had just nearly avoided a very fatal car crash. I don't think anyone would have walked away from a collision like that. It took minutes for us to catch our breath. Our entire family was in that car, and we just had a glimpse of what might have been the our last day on earth.

Why had the deer caught my attention in the first place? I am not the kind of person that enjoys looking out the window. And I don't particularily like deer. I am going to use it as a reminder to keep my eyes open wide on this trip. And to trust God's perfect timing.

Thankful tonight for my children safely snuggled in our hotel room, that my husband fixed our breaks just a few days ago, and for my new contacts that arrived last week. And for a God that has placed his arms of protection around us as we travel this unknown road.

Season of Change and a Faith Adventure!

I feel like I've posted that before. Huh. Seems like God is always working in our family using change...and lots of change! I better start at the beginning of this one...

Just before Thanksgiving my husband's flooring company went under and the entire team was laid off. We had been through this before, but the shock of the timing definitely through us off. We were hosting Thanksgiving for both families, how would we provide the food? Christmas and Kenzi's birthday were just around the corner, how was that going to look now? It took a few days for us to finally rest in the peace of God's plan and realize that we aren't meant to store up earthly treasures...there was going to be a big lesson learned for the Nash family! We learned over the next few weeks to trust like we never had before. Rent was due, the car needed gas, and our kids needed food. Through generous friends and an incredible church family, we were given everything we needed right when we needed it. We look back and laugh at how it all worked out, and praise God for not letting us see how really bad it was in the moment. I truly believe distractions were placed in our life to keep us busy and focused on others so that we wouldn't fall under the pressures of our own circumstances.

Out of this experience has grown an INCREDIBLE desire to join the mission field. We have been shown how little you really need to survive, and want more than anything to use this experience to take the next step towards a new lifestyle of simplicity. Which brings me to February, 2012.

We will be moving temporarily to a home in Wayzata until a sweet friend has her baby. Once that happens, a crazy plan will be set in motion! We have felt God calling us to new places, asking us to trust in Him like never before. For a while we were trying to figure out WHICH place was the right choice for our family. After weeks of praying, asking others for wise counsel, meeting with out pastor, and spending time in the Word, we have decided that sometimes God doesn't want to just TELL you...He wants to SHOW you! So we will be packing the car with the "simple things" and heading off on a Faith Adventure! We are going to go the places that have been laid on our heart and see what unfolds. It may be a conversation, an experience, an opportunity to bless someone in need, or a door to a new career for my husband. It is totally crazy, and we haven't gotten support from everyone that we have shared with, but we know that God has equipped us for this and we need to remain focused on that!

The verse our family has lived by through this crisis is Matthew 19:21-

Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me."

Well, we have followed this verse word for word and it's time to FOLLOW...

Where to now, Lord?

“…your Father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else and he will give you everything you need” (Luke 12:30-31).
“So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today” (Matthew 6:34).


I've been putting off writing this because I have NO idea how to share what has been going on in our life this past month. I feel as though every morning I wake up there is a new twist in the story He has written for us. Here is my feeble attempt at best:

My husband and I have been feeling God's promptings to follow Him in ways that really stretch us. We were recently certified as foster parents and have been riding that emotional roller coaster for about a month now. We have also started to research more about our desire to become missionaries. We believe we have been through some of our difficult trials in the past few years so that He could better prepare us and equip us for that life. If I had responded to this email at the begining of Novemeber it would have said something like "We are loving our abundant life! We are comfortable and content, looking for new ways to serve Christ." My response now would be similar, minus the "comfortable and content". And I laugh as I write that, because comfortable and content is not exactly God's plan for his followers. So...shortly after He gave, He took away. My husband's company went under months before we were expecting it to and his entire program was laid off in early November. Our life is now back in His hands where it should have been all along. The crazy part is, my life of comfort these past 6 months in our beautiful home; church full of ministry possibilities; and close MOPS leadership team has been the most unfulfilling 6 months of my life. I can honestly say now that it is not the life I desire. I am so thankful to God for showing me that. I have now had a taste of what that kind of comfortable and abundant lifestyle would be like, and I can certainly live without those things if that's what it takes to further His Kingdom. Which is probably good, cause God is calling our family through a big change. My husband and I have spent the past 5 days in constant prayer, spending time in the Word, and reaching out to wise counsel. God has opened several doors for us in this short time! He has opened our eyes to connections in several different places and we have spent hours trying to discern what all of it means. There is a job opportunity in Texas and a mega church that could equip us for a mission in ways we can only dream, best friends offering their home in Chicago so that we could walk alongside them in their inner-city ministry (they live in the middle of a gang community where there is murder and weekly gun shots...talk about being on a mission in the US!), and there is another opportunity in MN that would still require us to find a new church home, new MOPS group, new home school coop...

My husband and I have prayed daily for God to show us which plan He has made for us at this time, and still we wait. I was getting frustrated this wknd when we didn't have the answer we thought we needed by Sunday night. And then I looked at my precious miracle baby...Selah...and was reminded of the meaning of her name. "Wait, and listen".

So for now, there is enough food on the table and warm clothes to wear...the rest we will have to go without. We have miraculously survived off of about $200 for the past 3 weeks, and we still have $60 left! Thank you Jesus!  Christmas will mean something very different to the Nash family this year, and I am so grateful for that!

Heavy Heart

Today was a heavy day. I was reminded that your life can change in a moment, and when you least expect it. There is a huge part of me that just wants to keep all of this a secret. I don't know how this will change relationships, but I know it will change things. And I don't handle change very well! Well, maybe I do, but I don't enjoy change. And part of me doesn't want to make this public because I fear judgement. And reactions that will be hurtful.

But I had a few friends remind me that it's important to be transparent so that God can use our trials as tools for others to see Him at work. So I share this as a very vulnerable mom. I'm not in a very good place with this circumstance, but perhaps through sharing it, I can find some refuge.

This journey started 18 months ago when we started noticing that Tori was different. At first, we found it entertaining. She would do odd things and we would laugh it off as "another Nash moment." We were constantly telling friends and family when her behavior was unusual that she was "just being Tori." It wasn't until her 2year check-up that we were told we needed to take these red flags more seriously.

We had Tori evaluated through the school district we lived in and it was quite the eye opening experience. All of a sudden, our baby girl went from being odd, to having a medical diagnosis. Because she was under the age of 3, they were very reluctant to label her with a specific diagnosis. After months of filling out tests and home evaluations, she was given the general diagnosis of DD- Developmental Delay. They said they would continue to watch for a more specific diagnosis under the umbrella of the Autism Spectrum Disorder or Emotional Behavior Disorder as she got older. At the time, the term EBD was a better fit for what they were seeing, so we talked about getting services towork on those symptoms.

Unfortunately, by the time we had finished the eval process, it was time to move.  We all decided that it made more sense to start her therapies once we had moved into our new home in a different district. If I had only known at the time that our move would be delayed by many months...

So here we are now, almost one year later. Some of Tori's behaviors had gotten better since the move, while others had gotten much worse. We called the new district and asked for their opinion and they suggested that we have her evaluated again. So we went through the rigurous and time consuming process of evaluations again. This time, Kenny and I were confident that they would not find anything. We had convinced ourselves that we had things under control and that they would most likely say to us that she was a perfectly normal 3 year old just pushing out buttons. My heart just hurts as I write this. I was so naive.

Three people came from the district today to meet with us and discuss the results of all the testing. They sat across our kitchen table from us with stacks of paperwork. And then they told us news that will change our lives forever.

Our sweet Tori scored in the 99th percentile for EBD. She was now officially being labeled. I had to blink a few times and look around the room to make sure I was really there. I was sure this had to be a dream. The child psychologist went on to say that Tori was testing at the "clinically significant" level and would need intense therapies. They explained that they rarely make this diagnosis at such a young age because it is such a heavy label, but they were certain that this was the right choice for her. It was so hard to take in those words. I felt blindsided. Which probably sounds dumb since this was an option from the begining. But I had myself in this nice place of denial for so long.

After a few moments, I asked them what the next step should be. This is where the next part of my struggle comes in. They said Tori would qualify for 6 hours of therapy a week through the district, but it needed to be in a public preschool setting. I don't do public school! I am so passionate about homeschooling and the benefits of home education. I wanted to laugh and tell them the meeting was over, we were not interested. But something inside me said to "Wait...and listen." (The meaning of Selah, and a constant prompting from God lately!)

As I sat there trying to come up with all the reasons I was against this label and their idea for therapy, they were discussing the best placement for Tori. When they finally decided on the perfect fit for her, they shared it with us. I almost fell off my chair. My stomach flipped. And the dots connected. You see, the preschool they had chosen for her is in a private home. A few years ago, when I was pregnant with Tori, I was asked by a good friend that worked there to bring Kenzi and the dog for a few Show-N-Tells. I fell in love with this unique preschool that was run out of this cute home. I remember touring it and thinking that I would totally send my child there.

So here I am, 3 years later. And God is showing me the plan he had all along. And on Monday, our sweet girl will ride the "short bus"(It made us laugh when they tried to explain the bus without using this term!) to preschool where she will learn coping skills and social skills with her new Para and a Special Ed teacher.

And that's how our life changed today. The little girl that I thought was quirky was actually struggling with a very scary mental illness. I have to send her away to a place where she will most likely feel fear. And I have to know that she is in God's hands. Our children are not our own, but His. And His plan for her is much better than mine.

Lots of silent tears today, and a huge need to spend time with my husband to process this life change. In some way, I am mourning the loss of the child I had dreamed she would be. I know her life is still valuable and will be very fulfilling, but it will be in a very different way. They suggested we contact Children's Hospital right away and meet with a mental health specialist to determine the specifics of this illness. Most likely counseling and medication will play a big part of her life.

I struggle with how to share this with the people in our life. EBD is often an invisible disability because most of it's symptoms are internal. I have had friends tell me that they didn't think anything was wrong with Tori, which of course made me feel like they thought I was making it up. And I had a very honest friend share with me that they thought Tori was different because I didn't love her as much as our firstborn. The guilt overwhelmed me for days. So on one hand, it's nice to have a medical diagnosis. I'm not crazy. But on the other hand, well, I don't even know how to explain the pain I feel for my daughter today.

Heavy heart today. Preparing for more major changes in our life. And praying God will equip me to handle all of it.

What if I get both?

I got to have dinner with a sweet friend tonight and it was exactly what I needed after a crazy weekend! I am the Event Coordinator for MOPS Area 9 (that's MN) and we hosted our first ever Mega Event!! It started off with a crazy treasure hunt at the MOA and finished then next day with some incredible worship and wonderful speakers.  I have been preparing and planning for this event for months, and now that it is over, I feel lost! I have found in the past few years that I am an EXTREME extrovert. I need people and activity to fuel me. I loved every moment of my crazy weekend. And now I'm on to the next big adventure.

Which brings me back to dinner tonight. Dinner with a friend that gives me grace. Cause I'm not always good at being her friend. I tend to get caught up in the whirlwind of my life and forget that I need to make time for my precious friends. So tonight we shared some praises and some prayers that were on our hearts. And when I left, I felt like my eyes had been opened! You see, I had shared with her that I was struggling with tricky circumstance that is about to unfold in our home. I was looking at it as God testing me with two amazing choices...both at the same time. I felt He was asking me to choose the better one. But I have been stuck trying to figure out which one was better.

And that's when my brilliant friend said "Why do you have to choose one? I think God wants you to say yes to both."  

WHAT????? But I can't handle both at the same time.

And her equally brilliant response "You're right, you can't. But when God is calling you to it, He will equip you."

I seriously drove home as if I had put glasses on for the first time. Everything seemed so clear...and obvious. Why didn't I think of that? Just cause there are two big life changes on the horizon doesn't mean God expects me to pick one. He could just be saying "Get ready. I'm about to take you on a ride."

I don't know what to call this ride. But I am ready to buckle up and hang on. God moved in huge ways today, showing me exactly where He wanted me to go on several occasions. And I was clearly reminded that He has His grip on me. And that is the image I will have to remember in the weeks to come. Cause this isn't going to be a kiddie ride...

Hah!

I laugh as I look at the title of my last post. (Yes, 3 months ago, don't remind me!) Perspective is such an incredibly powerful word. I was using it to describe the story of an experience that was going to be told by 3 different people. Two of us have some work to do!! But today, I use the word perspective in a whole new light. A brave little girl that our family adores was put to the test today as she went through an intense back surgery. So there is a dose of perspective!

I find myself looking around at the people God has placed in my life right now. I have some friendships that have gone deeper than I ever could have imagined. I also have some struggles that are more difficult than I can put words to. And I think the two go hand in hand on purpose. God has arranged my circle of friends just right so that I can be held accountable, encouraged, guided, taught, reminded, and supported as He brings us through yet another season of uncertainty!

I don't know what the next few weeks will change for our family, but I know He is preparing us for it. I can feel it. And so can my husband. The mixture of excitement and absolute confusion require us to once again let go of our earthly desires and instead turn our faces heavenward! I hope to begin to have some clarity in the next few days as I devote intentional time in the Word and join my husband in heavy prayer. But I will do so with perspective...the kind that knocks you to your feet when you realize that all things are possible when you give it to God!

Check out my friend's blog to read the story of their brave Trinity!  http://babygirlarthur.blogspot.com/

Perspective

Yesterday I sat down to write the story of the past few days at least 5 times. I just couldn't do it. I have dealt with so much guilt throughout this pregnancy and now delivery, it has been so different than the stories of my other 3 children. Selah deserves the very best I have, and I mistakingly let the guilt sink in yesterday as I realized I wasn't posting on Facebook, I wasn't blogging, I wasn't taking pictures...

And that's another reason why God sent my sweet friend "A" into my life! I woke up this morning to the most amazing email from her, and her perspective on Selah's birth story! What an awesome sense of peace to know He will provide exactly what I need through all of this...

BIRTH STORY-Alyssa's Persepective

I witnessed a miracle. The orchestration of the birth of Selah, is nothing short of a miracle. The way God’s hand was in every single little detail is practically incomprehensible. This delivery did not go according to our earthly plans but it did go according to His master plan.


Months ago I felt this inexplainable desire to be at the delivery of my friend, Britni’s baby. I never said anything to her, because although we were good friends, we weren’t the very best intimate type of friend that you would invite to your birth. One day she told me, “I feel like you have a connection to this baby.” “Oh my word! I feel the same way!” I could hardly contain my excitement. I asked her to be at the delivery and she said, “you have to be!” Her hubby approved it and on we went with our lives.

As the due date slowly approached, I looked at my calendar and wondered how in the world I was ever going to be able to follow through with our birth-attending plan with my daycare children, husband’s busy work schedule, family in town, and my own nursing baby at home. I prayed for the timing of the birth of this baby - of course I prayed selfishly, but also for the timing for Britni as she also has a lot on her plate (she’s moving!).


Fast forward to 6.11.11. I woke up at a little after 1:00am and saw a few missed texts from Britni.

June 10, 2011 11:14 PM

“Still 5 min apart and getting bad...called midwife and she said oh crap...hospital is closed, they are full.”

June 10h, 2011 11:41 PM

“It’s go time!!!” And I had more beans at dinner tonight...this is gonna be bad.”

I panic, I laugh, I ask Eric if I can go to the hospital. I throw on my jeans from the day before and head out the door wondering if I may have missed it all! I pray the entire way to the hospital. The very hospital where I’ve delivered 3 precious babies.
I arrive at the hospital, get my picture taken for my security sticker and head up to the 3rd floor. Hubert buzzes me in and tells me “You DON’T want to be in there.” I ask him to please call the room because they wanted me there for the delivery. My mind is racing, “Why can’t I be in there? Did she lose the baby? Is she pushing the baby out at this very instant? Has something gone terribly wrong?...” Hubert gets permission for me to go into the room.

I enter the room. There is laughter. There is joy. Britni tells me that nurse Kelly is her dear friend and stayed late just so Brit could come to St Francis even though they were technically “full.” Wow, what a good friend. Kenny is updating the blog on his phone. Britni’s other friend, Laura, is getting ice water for Brit and making sure she’s comfy.

We laugh, we pray Britni through painful medicine-less contractions, we laugh some more, we spray industrial strength air freshener (remember the bean comment), I photograph and try to keep my view G rated.
Things start picking up a little bit. The midwife comes in and check Britni. The nurse checks Britni. The midwife checks Britni again. “What do you feel?” “What do you feel?”
Baby is not quite in the right position so the midwife and nurse get Britni out of bed, and have her do lunges with her leg up on the edge of the bed. By this time, there is no more laughing, there is much more praying and I’ve given up on my G rated view. The midwife thinks this could be it, baby might just come while Britni is standing. Britni begs for pain meds, but Theresa, the midwife, attempting to honor Brit’s original request to go with out meds encourages her to try to lunges a bit more.

Lunges don’t work. Brit gets back in bed and they check her again, nurse, midwife, nurse, midwife. “The nose is this way?” “The cheek is that way?” “I feel the cheek.” “Yes, I do too.”
Ok, let’s push. I’m not really sure if the goal was to push the baby out at this time or just to push the baby into a better position. They finally order Britni an epidural. “It’s ok Britni, an epidural is on the way. Let’s just try pushing one more time.”
“Where is the epidural?” ... “How long has it been since I ordered the epidural?”

“Where’s the midwife?”... “Can you please see where the midwife is?”

“Can you check her again?” ... “What are you feeling?”

“We need to page the doctor.” ... “We need to page the doctor again.” “We need to page Dr. Jenkins.”...
Things are unclear. I’m snapping pictures. I’m praying out loud. I’m singing “How Great is our God” to myself while I stand out of the way in the corner. Another nurse comes in. The anesthesiologist comes in. “We need to prep the OR.”
Finally the midwife gets ahold of the doctor, “Baby is face presentation, we’re prepping the OR.” My breath stops. My mind is reeling. “Face presentation.” “Prep the OR.” Britni is going to have a c-section. Brit didn’t see this coming. Britni is so calm. Wow. I’m totally surprised.

“Face presentation.” “Prep the OR.” I’ve heard those words before. It’s almost as if I’m witnessing the birth of my first born son all over again. What are the chances? Funny you ask because Wikipedia says that face presentation frequency ranges from 1/500-1/1250.
The nurses kick Laura and I out of the room. We wait at the end of the hall. We pray. We make small talk. We pray. We watch. We photograph. We wait. We pray. We wait. We pray over the recovery room. We wait. The seconds literally tick by.
A little after 3:00 am I hear the most beautiful sound. The scream of a newborn baby. We watch the doorway with anticipation and are filled with joy as the proud father walks into the room, pushing his precious baby girl in the bassinet with the hugest smile on his face. Kenny’s eyes are filled with love for his 3rd daughter but I can still see the pain and concern for his beautiful wife whom he left in the OR by herself. When Britni was rolled through those same doors she was alert, smiling the best she could and just trying to process the events of the past few moments. It was a whirlwind. It was a calculated frenzy to ensure a healthy baby. Britni was in the best of hands... and the best of Hands.
This is only the beginning of “God’s Selah Story.” This story is just one of God’s miracles. This story isn’t just one miracle, it’s a string of them. Nurse Kelly is Britni’s Godly friend. Britni and I share this unique birth experience. The birth of a healthy baby. The love of a faithful husband. The skilled hands of nurses, midwifes and surgeons. The encouragement of Christian caregivers. The outpouring of love by concerned friends.
I can see these amazing miracles (and I’m sure there are many more I can’t see) and how God orchestrated this precious event. What I’m still waiting to see, and it may not come here on earth is, “why?” I bet God has a really cool answer for that question. My own “why” questions after my “face presentation emergency c-section” experience are starting to be answered; so that I could walk alongside my dear friend 4 years later as she experienced this very same traumatic event.
This is God’s plan and we can find peace knowing that “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)
-Alyssa